She Thinks My Doubts are Sexy

I've noticed that a lot of movies, books, and TV I've enjoyed deal a lot with Doubt. I'll admit that I admire authors that can present a scenario making me think more specifically about where my moral standards are. Poor Valjean just wanted to feed his family, but he was arrested for common theft. Batman isn't so noble when you see the extreme measures he takes to stop the Joker. Isn't it healthy to expand our minds and moral centers to consider the vast complexities of the human condition?

If not healthy, it sure seems popular. The notion that you just don't know something. No one knows the mysteries of the universe. Religion is not the answer because it separates mankind. Lots of hot issues right now: the environment, the economy, civil rights vs. moral standards, all kinds of fun. Add to that mix a list of diplomats and debaters duking it out, each making the opposing side look more appealing all the time. It's become easy to look wise just by stepping away from the issues and withholding your opinion. And when you claim to step outside belief as an impartial judge, you seem wiser and more impressive to others.

A lot of us would blame John Lennon. His famous song that dreamed of life without divide frightens some religious because it poses the question "What if everything that causes conflict were gone?" Thus religion, along with its concepts of Heaven and Hell, wouldn't cause such despair and inequality. I mean, really. What if the issue of religion turned out to be as pointless as Kirk vs. Picard? You think only 144,000 humans in all of history are good enough to live with God, and I believe bread literally turns into flesh. Who's to say what the Truth is? Shouldn't we just get along without fighting over anything? Deep down, who really wants to know the Truth?

What if I do? Is there anything wrong with that?

And what does this have to do with music? Two words: Chichester Psalms. After the turn of the 20th Century, Classical music suffered an identity crisis. Many Classically trained composers began to experiment with unusual means of putting music together. Some felt music didn't need to end with a sense of "coming home" or "resolution" at the end. Some thought it didn't need to sound Pretty. Some even decided that it didn't need to be composed until the performance. Why not just give the performers some vague instructions and let them make it up on the spot?

Leonard Bernstein, famous for West Side Story's music took a yearlong sabbatical from directing the New York Philharmonic to study those experimental composition techniques. Then, in his own words, "I threw it all out and wrote the Chichester Psalms." It's written basically in the same style as West Side Story, but it is rich enough in its architecture and message to satisfy the intellectuals. It was the type of music he called home. Like when I start listening to Country music to please some girl, but after the relationship cools off I go back to John Williams and Death Cab for Cutie.

Many in the world claim skepticism towards Faith. How can you know for sure what God is like, or what happens to someone's essence after death? Maybe that's why I favor the LDS Church, or The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. One of its core teachings is that Man cannot know any Truth by himself. It must be revealed from an outside, Divine source. And that Source is willing to reveal everything we need to know to get through the human existence happily, including our reason for existing. This is just one school of thought, and not everyone thinks it's for them. But it's what feels like home for me. It frees up my mind to concentrate on other matters in my life.

I wonder how many skeptics are just sissies. I loved seeing Mike Wallace discuss the Afterlife with Gordon B. Hinckley. Wallace said "I've thought about it, but can't get myself to believe in it." Hinckey's response: "Well, then you haven't thought about it long enough." I've only taken one philosophy class in my education, but it frustrated me because the teacher loved asking questions more than solving them. He even said during one unit that he stopped teaching the class for a while because he didn't have a solution to one of the problems he thought up. When we tried discussing possible solutions, he admitted "If you ask a question you're a philosopher, but if you answer it you're a scientist."

And there it is: My philosophy teacher admitted that he lives in doubt, at least in that particular issue, because he likes the question too much to resolve it.

I compose like a scientist. I experiment. I analyze. I postulate and experiment more. The composing process doesn't quite take off for me until I know where I'm going. I look for that answer. Don't tell me I have to free my mind because knowing gives me direction. Purpose. Drive. Hope.

This isn't to say doubt has no value. Art, as in life, needs conflict in order to be interesting. But I submit that artists and people need to know where their values lie. All the conflict we create will erode our hearts if we don't know where home is in our hearts. Doubt may be stylish and impressive to others, but faith in something helps us find the joy in what we do.